


"Take my hand, Take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you. For I can't help falling in love with you."

by SlitheredFromEden



Series: "OCD Got Nothing On Me (Yeah Right)" a memoir by Arthur Pendragon [10]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, pocd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6042760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlitheredFromEden/pseuds/SlitheredFromEden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin gets educated on Arthur's new illness...</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Take my hand, Take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you. For I can't help falling in love with you."

**Author's Note:**

> POCD or Paedophilia OCD is DISCUSSED IN THIS CHAPTER! !

"What can I help you with, Merlin?" Leon asked. 

"It's about.. Arthur... he's acting odd." 

"Odd? Odd how?" Leon intertwined his fingers above the table. 

"Ever since Elena began living with us, he's become distant. He doesn't interact with his daughter as much I hoped he would. But, when he does he stops midway and stares at her with a petrified look." 

"I see, does he hurt her?" 

"No! No, Arthur would never!" Merlin defended his fiancé. 

"Is he more religious lately?" 

Merlin thought quietly. "Yes, it's more to himself than forcing it down our throats." 

"Are you religious, Merlin?" Leon raised an eyebrow.

"No, never was actually." Merlin sighed. 

"I see," Leon mused. "I think I know what's happening." 

"What?"

"I think he's suffering from POCD." Leon informed. "It's a subtype of OCD." 

"POCD? What?" 

"POCD is a subtype of OCD that is usually thought of as pure-O, or pure obsessional. Pure-O’s do not have the usual behavioural rituals that the hand-washers, etc. have; instead, they have cognitive rituals. It is necessary that there be more documentation on this subtype of OCD because unfortunately, quite a few people are suffering from it, and clinicians barely understand it." 

"You're confusing me, obsession over what exactly?" 

 "Unwanted obsessive thoughts of children." 

"Like sexual thoughts?" Merlin asked. 

"Yes, Merlin." Arthur's therapist nodded. Leon pulled out a piece of paper and began writing. Once was he handed it to Merlin, "His thoughts and fears should narrow down to this."

**POCD obsessive thoughts may present themselves in different contexts:**

Intrusive unwanted sexual thoughts/images/sensations around children (often but not exclusively one’s own children)

Fear that early experiences were signs of suppressed pedophilia (e.g. When I was 10 I had a crush on and kissed a 9 year old, which means I like 9 year olds.)

Fear that common childhood sexual play makes one a pedophile

Fear that having been a victim of childhood sexual abuse condemns one to become an abuser.

Fear that incidental contact with children was somehow intentional or pleasure-driven (e.g. a little girl sits in her father’s lap while he reads to her, he shifts her to be more comfortable and notices a shift in his groin – Did I move her for the purpose of pleasuring myself? he wonders)

Fear that positive emotions towards children could be sexual in nature (e.g. a woman feels overwhelmed with love for her son, wonders if the love is somehow romantic or sexual)

Fear that noticing beauty, cuteness, handsomeness, prettiness, etc. in a child is a sign of sexual intentions

Fear that noticing adult characteristics (e.g. specific body parts, body positioning, style of dress) of prepubescent children, pubescent adolescents, or of anyone “too young” is an indicator of pedophilia

False memory obsessions, such as obsessive concern that a pedophilic act occurred and was somehow blacked out of memory (e.g. Did I molest that little boy I walked by earlier and not remember? Why am I wondering?)

Not fearing being a pedophile but fearing that the presence of intrusive pedophilic thoughts will either ruin the possibility of being happy or somehow convert the thinker to become a pedophile over time.

"Oh, Arthur." Merlin can't imagine what it's like to Arthur right now. Dreaded thoughts of his own daughter and of himself. 

"He'll never act on them," Leon assured. "Arthur will continue to grow to fear her. Careful with him, Merlin. There are higher levels of suicidal thoughts and depression in people with POCD. A person with contamination fears generally has those fears because they do not want to die. Whereas someone with POCD might be so worried they will harm an innocent child that they would rather take their own life." 

"What can I do?" Merlin urged. 

 "He will continue seeing me. Cognitive approaches to the treatment of POCD focus on teaching Arthur how to recognize when he is making assumptions that are problematic, unhelpful, or plain wrong about your pedophile fears. This might include addressing things like black-and-white thinking 'if I have even one intrusive thought about a child, it means I am a pedophile' and magnifying 'I noticed my baby’s cute bottom and that means I was leering at it inappropriately'. Modifying distorted ways of thinking in this approach doesn’t involve trying to prove your fears are untrue he's already tried that plenty, but instead works on drawing his attention to a more objective assessment of his experience. Arthur can’t argue with the content of an obsession, but he can challenge himself the way in which he has formed his own conclusions. Then, we will continue to the Behavioural approach." 

"That seems overwhelming." Merlin commented. 

"At first, of course," Leon smiled kindly. "But it'll smooth out." 

"Thank you so much, Leon." Merlin shook his hand. 

"I'm just glad I could help." He responded humbly. "I suggest you hold on to this list as well."

"Thank you." 

In his car, Merlin unfolded his new aquired list. 

**POCD compulsions run across the spectrum of the disorder**

Avoidance of children in multiple environments (home, school, playground, etc)

Avoiding potentially triggering imagery, such as the children’s clothing section of a store or a children’s television program

Avoiding holding children in ways that may involve accidental contact with sensitive body parts (e.g. trying to hold a toddler in such a way that their feet don’t accidentally bump into your groin)

Avoidance of adult relationships, intimacy, or sexual behavior for fear of triggering unwanted pedophilic thoughts

Mental review of all behavior and thoughts/intentions around childrenMentally reviewing/rationalizing whether noticing a person of a certain age is ok (e.g. I may have had a sexual thought about that teenager but she looks 18 and that would mean she is the legal age of consent but that girl over there may be 16 and I also noticed her and that means I could be a pedophile)

Reassurance seeking from others that inappropriate behavior did not take place, that you are not a pedophile, etc

Confessing of pedophilic thoughts to either manipulate others into reassuring you that you have OCD or reassure yourself that you are not hiding anything

Reenacting or repeating events (e.g. repeatedly picking up a child and putting him down again) for the purpose of proving no sexual act was done or intended

Researching the subject of pedophilia, trying to get certainty about what separates an actual pedophile from someone with POCD

Checking children for signs of abuse that you imagine could have occurred in your presence

Documenting where you’ve been as a form of self-reassurance that you could not have been molesting a child

Checking your body for signs of “inappropriate arousal” in the groin or elsewhere in the presence of children or thoughts about children.

Merlin wasn't aware of the tears running down his face. Until the splashed against the piece of paper he was holding. 

"Will Arthur ever be at rest?" Merlin asked himself painfully. "Could I ever help him find peace with his inner demons? Will he ever be able to love his daughter? Does he still love me?" 

"Gwaine," Merlin spoke into the phone. "Can Elena sleep at yours tonight?"

"Sure thing, Merlin." Gwaine's smirk was practically audible. 

 As soon as Merlin got home he threw his arms around Arthur's neck and kissed him. "I love you, Arthur." 

"I love you too too too, Merlin." Arthur whispered against Merlin's lips. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, you big oaf!" Arthur chuckled.

"I always will, even when you think otherwise. I just want you to know that.... I can't help falling in love with you." 

"I know you love me, Merlin." Arthur sighed. "Which is why why why why I love you. I will never doubt, not if I could help help it." 

That's all the reassurance Merlin needed at the moment. He has faith in Leon help Arthur better himself. 


End file.
